Tales Of The Marvel-X Roast
by Ryan Krupienski
Summary: *UPDATED: CHAPTER 6!* I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on crazy adventures! Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.
1. Lamb Chop Gets A Clue

**Summary:** I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.

**Notes:** I wrote the first three chapters to this back in late 1999, they were supposed to be included in a special parody story called _Marvel-X Roast_, which was basically taking the characters of the Marvel Universe and inserting the authors of the Marvel-X site (**http://marvelx.comixtreme.com/**) and really going crazy. In my parts, I used Lamb Chop, who KICKS ASS, and Jubilee. And, I had to off that biatch Mandy Moore! I've gone through and tidied up the three little parts and posted them here. I may continue on, I mean, wouldn't a Lamb Chop & Jubilee vs. Mandy Moore war be COOL, man? ^_^ Oh, and no disrespect to Sherri Lewis is meant. She was a swell lady. And even though I'm a big boy now, I find myself in love with Lamb Chop. Oh, one last thing - ' ' are for internal thoughts, and { } is for telepathic speech.

**Cast:** Me, Lamb Chop, Jubilee.

**Disclaimer:** Jubilee and any other Marvel characters mentioned are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. I am property of myself.

* * * * *

"Lamb Chop Gets A Clue"

* * * * *

"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Sherri, Sherri, we're here! Marvel-X Roast! Woowee!"

"For the millionth time, I'm NOT Sherri! I'm Ryan! R-Y-A-N!"

Lamb Chop closes her mouth and turns to Ryan, a thoughtful look on her face. "Mmmmmmm? Then... then... then... where's Sherri?"

Ryan sighs. "How many times do I have to remind you? Sherri Lewis is DEAD!"

Lamb Chop sniffles then throws her head back and begins to cry hysterically. Ryan sighs once more and rolls his eyes.

"WAAAAH! SHERRI! I NEED YOU, SHERRI!"

Ryan raises a brow, a la the Rock. "You are one weird little rag."

Lamb Chop immediately composes herself and turns to face Ryan yet again. "Weird? WEIRD? You wanna walk weird, pretty boy? YOU'RE the one who's got his hand shoved up my butt!"

Ryan's face turns bright red, and he looks down to avoid any eye contact. "You wanna... y'know... keep yer voice down?!"

Lamb Chop smiles, satisfied. "And I'm not a rag. I'm 50% wool, 50% cotton, for your information."

Ryan looks up, and his eyes widen as he catches a glimpse of...

"JUBILEE!"

Jubilee gives a disgusted look. "Dude, that is nasty." Jubilee walks off, thinking, 'Hmm, he was hot... he's just gotta lose the rag...'

"I'M NOT A RAG!"

Ryan and Jubilee both look at Lamb Chop, puzzled. "Hey, even puppets can be mutants, y'know?"

"This is just getting too weird for me..." Jubilee walks off, giving Ryan a wink as she leaves.

Lamb Chop looks at Ryan shamefully, as he watches Jubilee walk off. "I don't think I need telepathy to know what you're thinking... I mean, she's not even a real person!"

"Technically, you're not a real person either. In fact, you're not even a fake person."

Lamb Chop mumbles something to herself and growls angrily...


	2. The Death Of Mandy Moore

**Summary:** I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.

**Notes:** Okay, not much to add for this chapter. But haven't I made Lamb Chop COOL? She's a carnivorous puppet with the mutant power of telepathy! How can you not love her? A reminder, ' ' are for internal thoughts, and { } is for telepathic speech.

**Cast:** Me, Lamb Chop, Jubilee, Mandy Moore.

**Disclaimer:** Jubilee and any other Marvel characters mentioned are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. I am property of myself, and Mandy Moore is property of the evil music company that creates her awful music. I'll admit she's not as big of a ho as she was back in the day, but still. AARRGGHH.

* * * * *

"The Death Of Mandy Moore"

* * * * *

"AND AH'M MISSIN' YOU LIKE CANDAAAAAAAAY-EEEEE-YAAAAAY!"

"ARRRGGHHH! Enough already!" Ryan yells angrily. "If I hear that damn song ONE MORE TIME...!"

Lamb Chop sighs and gives Ryan a pat on the back. "Now, Ryan, don't have a hernia. Mandy Moore may be a conceited, stuck-up bitch with music that can make the devil vommit, but she's not as bad as she could be. There's been worse; for example, Barbara Streisand..."

"Don't EVEN go there. 'Sides, Streisand's out of the media loop these days... Mandy's plastered all over MTV, and just refuses to go away! That stupid piece of...!"

Suddenly, a light bulb goes off in Lamb Chop's head. "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I got an idea, Ryan!"

"Why does this scare me?" Ryan replies sarcastically.

"Hush..."

"...Puppy?"

Lamb Chop blinks. "Was that supposed to be a joke?"

"Uh..."

"Anyway, getting back to my idea... well, since we both despise Mandy Moore so much, why don't we take care of the problem, or, as I like to say, 'take out the trash'? At least it'll keep you from whining like an impetulant child."

"Hey, don't forget... my hand's up your ASS. I can do things to you that will HURT..."

Lamb Chop gulps nervously and gives an innocent smile. "Heh... no need for that. So, like, what do you think? You wanna get rid of Mandy Whore... I mean, Moore?"

Ryan smiles and replies, "Sure! But how?"

"Well, all she needs is a little telepathic nudge to come to where we want her..."

Lamb Chop activates her psionic powers, reaching across hundreds of miles of land until she finally locks minds with Mandy Moore. {Come, Mandy... come to the Marvel-X Roast!}

{Must go to... Marvel-X Roast... taste the candy...}

Soon...

"Hey, the bitch is actually here! You must be a pretty powerful telepath, Chop..."

"Pfft, it was nothing. And you wanna talk powerful? Bring on all those other 'telepaths'... Phoenix? Professor X? X-Man? Emma Frost? Cable? Buncha lightweights..."

"Whatever. So, what now?"

Lamb Chop smiles deviously. "Now the fun begins! First, we need some popcorn..."

A woman walks by and places a bowl of popcorn in Lamb Chop's tiny hands. "Next, we walk outside..."

Ryan, Lamb Chop, and the mind-controlled Mandy walk outside to the edge of the road. It's dark, and there's a LOT of traffic...

{Okay Mandy, go play in the traffic!}

"Yes, I'll go play in the traffic and bring my candy with me!"

Ryan and Lamb Chop laugh as Mandy Moore walks into the middle of the street, barely missing several speeding vehicles. She stops in the middle of the lanes, then takes the stance of someone giving a speech, an innocent and thankful yet fake look on her face.

"Hi, I'm Mandy Moore, and thank you sooooooooo much for voting for my music video 'Candy' on TRL! I love you guys sooooooooooo much, and I appreciate all your love and support!"

Ryan looks puzzled. "Huh? What's she doing?"

Lamb Chop ponders for a moment, then replies, "Hmmm... she must have been doing one of her fake-ass speeches when I took control of her mind... I let go of her mind when she started walking out into traffic, so now she's picked up where she left off..."

"...So, again, thank you soooooo.... huh? What? Where... where am I?" Mandy looks around, confused, feeling as though she's missed something. "Why am I in the middle of the road?!"

"Er... hiya Mandy! We're your... uh... biggest fans..."

Lamb Chop giggles at Ryan's comment, as Mandy flashes her fake-ass smile and replies, "Ooooooooh, I love you too! Want to buy my debut CD?"

Ryan raises an eyebrow. "Hey Mandy, watch out for that..."

"Hey, want me to sing for you? Maybe that'll convince you." Mandy suddenly has a pouty, seductive look on her face, and begins to sing. "So bay-beh, talk to me, show me who you AAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Ryan and Lamb Chop stare in amazement as Mandy Moore is run right over by a huge truck. Their shock turns to happiness, as they pop some popcorn in their mouths and enjoy the show.

*SPLAT!*

"Oh, that has GOT to hurt!"

"Hope she has insurance..."

Lamb Chop eats some more popcorn, smiling the whole time. "So, Mandy... how's the pavement taste? Like candy?"

Seconds later, Jubilee walks outside. "Oh, THERE you guys are! Aaron wants to talk to you two about that dating back-up story for the annual, so... hey, is that Mandy Moore flattened like a pancake on the road?!"

Ryan and Lamb Chop nod, and Jubilee's face lights up. "Dudes... you guys are awesome! You got rid of Mandy Moore!" Jubilee high-fives Ryan and Lamb Chop.

"It had to be done, and in her case, the sooner the better."

Ryan sighs. "Well, I guess we better go see Aaron..."

"WAIT!" Lamb Chop literally drags Ryan over to Mandy's body and tears off one of Mandy's fingers. She takes a bite, as Ryan and Jubilee watch on, disgusted.

Lamb Chop smiles. "Mmmm... takes like chicken!"


	3. Shop Till We Drop

**Summary:** I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.

**Notes:** There's a lot of names of fanfic authors from Marvel-X in this chapter. The names of things being bought for them are inside jokes ^_^ Lamb Chop calls me "blond boy", which I used to be, but not anymore. I'm all about my natural brown hair now! Oh, and the Ultron reference about the Pentium III processor is outdated, I know, but I decided to keep it as is. Pentium IV wasn't feasible back in those days, chilluns! Oh yeah, the end is scary, I think. And as usual, ' ' are for internal thoughts, and { } is for telepathic speech.

**Cast:** Me, Lamb Chop.

**Disclaimer:** All Marvel characters mentioned are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. Digimon... I don't who the !@#$ they belong to, but not me. I am property of myself.

* * * * *

"Shop Till We Drop"

* * * * *

Ryan pushes the shopping cart down the aisle, with Lamb Chop holding the shopping list and telling Ryan what they need. "Oh, oh, oh! Right there! Ego Delights!"

Ryan looks puzzled. "Ego Delights? Who are those for?"

"Eric Moreels... duh."

Ryan grabs the box and puts it in the cart. The duo moves on, and Lamb Chop stops Ryan again. "There, Digisnacks!"

"These must be for Aaron's little creature-thing... y'know, the one with the big mouth that has a crush on you."

Lamb Chop makes a gag signal. "Ugh, don't make me barf. He's such a loser!"

Ryan grins. "Nah, I think you like him."

"Quiet, you. Now c'mon, keep pushing the cart!"

Ryan gets to the end of the aisle and moves to the next one. Lamb Chop stops him half-way down the aisle. "Hmmm... looks like they're out of Forbidden Goodies... Sinister won't be pleased."

"Forbidden Goodies? Sounds like the title of one of those cheesey sex flicks they show on Cinemax..."

"I think it is, actually; these are snacks _based on_ the movie." Lamb Chop shudders. "Hmmm... how about we get him Nasty Tarts instead." Ryan grabs the box and quickly drops it in the cart, moving on as Lamb Chop crosses off another item on the list.

"So, what else do we have to get?" Ryan asks.

Lamb Chop studies the list, then replies, "Bubbaroos for Wolverine... Twinkies for Beast... Obscurios for Darkhawk... Milk Duds for Marrow... Fruit-By-The-Hand for Shinobi Shaw... some brewskies for Warbird and Iron Man... and seaweed for Spider-Man."

"Seaweed?"

"Yep. Apparently, it's part of his 'secret formula' for webshooter fluid." Lamb Chop sighs and folds up the list. "Let's nab these things then head over to the book store."

Later...

Ryan and Lamb Chop walk into the massive book store, a list of books in Lamb Chop's hands. "Yeesh, why did WE get assigned to buy all this stuff for the next roast?! Wouldn't it be easier to just have Franklin Richards snap his fingers and make everything on the list appear?"

"Oh, stop whining, blond boy. You're giving me a headache. Now, quick, let's find these books: _Popularity For Dummies_ for X-Man, _Chicken Soup For The World-Dominating Megalomaniac Soul_ for Dr. Doom, _How To Be A Proper Ho_ for Psylocke, _The Dog Ate My Negative Zone Portal_ for Mr. Fantastic, _The Digimon Freak's Digibook_ for Aaron Thall..." 

"Y'know, Chop, Aaron's obsession with Digimon REALLY scares me..."

"Whatever. I don't give a flying fudge, long as he keeps that _thing_ away from me," Lamb Chop replies. "Okay, that's it for the books. On to the magazines!"

Lamb Chop reads the list aloud, "Okay, let's see... _Goddess Gardening_ for Storm, _Genetically-Engineered People_ for the High Evolutionary, and... eeewww... a _Penthouse_ for Professor X!"

Ryan sighs, disgusted. "It wasn't enough that he was feeling up Jean Grey when she first came to see him as a child... now he's getting off by looking at pictures of women with busts the size of Scotland?!"

"Where was it revealed that Xavier did that to Jean?" Lamb Chop asks.

"It wasn't... but come on, you know it's true. I mean, a lonely old crippled man with telepathic powers running a school to help train young mutants in the use of their powers? Gimme a break! He's probably had some fun with ALL the X-Men, then erased their memories..."

Lamb Chop shakes her head and sighs. 'Where does he come up with this stuff?' she thinks to herself. 

"So, what now?"

"We have to head on over to Best Buy. We need to pick up some CD's, and also grab a Pentium III processor for Ultron..."

Ryan looks shocked. "What? You mean he DOESN'T have a Pentium III?"

"Nope, he's only got a Pentium II."

"Hmph. No wonder the Avengers keep kicking his ass."

Later on, at Best Buy...

"Okay, we got Ultron's processor, now let's go find these CD's... Iceman wants the new 'N Sync..."

"Iceman listens to 'N Sync? Oy veh..."

"He's probably gay," Lamb Chop deduces, continuing down the list. "Okay, we also need Dr. Dre for Cecilia Reyes, Smash Mouth for Songbird, Dixie Chicks for Husk, Celine Dion for Daredevil, and... and..."

Lamb Chop's eyes widen and her jaw drops. She tries to speak, but cannot; the shock of what she sees on the list is too much.

Ryan looks at the list. "What? What is... it... oh... my..."

Ryan and Lamb Chop slowly look up from the list and at each other. What follows is a loud scream from both of them. "AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

A few minutes later, still reeling from the shock, Ryan and Lamb Chop double-check the list to be sure they aren't seeing things. As it turns out, they're not.

"I can't believe this! Belasco... he... he listens to MANDY MOORE!"

Lamb Chop crumples up the list and throws it to the ground. "Well, I refuse to touch that nasty waste of a CD... and I certainly don't expect you to touch it either."

Ryan balls his hands up into fists. "Belasco ain't gettin' no Mandy Moore CD... all he's getting a great big can of whoop-ass!"

All of a sudden...

{CANDY... CANDY... CANDY... CANDY...}

"AAAEEEIIII!" Lamb Chop grabs her head in pain, shivering and breathing heavily. Ryan attempts to calm her down. "Chop, what is it?! Talk to me!"

Lamb Chop composes herself, and looks at Ryan, terror in her eyes. "Ryan... she's alive! MANDY MOORE IS ALIVE!"


	4. Time Warp!

**Summary:** I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.

**Notes:** This starts the final saga for Tales Of The Marvel-X Roast, and jumps ahead two years to the present time (since the last three parts were written in late 1999). This is just stupid crap that I write because I'm deranged. This first part sets everything up for the big war with the Hoes Of The Apocalypse, which will be like two or three more parts. After that, Marvel-X Roast spins off into a new series - Lamb Chops X!

**Cast:** Me, Lamb Chop.

**Disclaimer:** All Marvel characters mentioned are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. I am property of myself.

* * * * *

"Time Warp!"

* * * * *

_It was late 1999 when Ryan & Lamb Chop were on their quest for the Marvel-X Roast... now, a massive time warp has occured, and it's suddenly December of 2001!_

"HOT DIGGITY!" Ryan exclaims as the bright light behind him and Lamb Chop fades away. "What in the LESBIAN JESUS was that?!"

Something's different. Different about where they are, and how they look. Ryan is taller, darker, and manlier, and Lamb Chop is now clad in a black shirt with a yellow 'X' across the chest and black silk bandana on her head. She looks over herself, then takes a good look at Ryan, confusion never leaving her face.

"Lesbian Jesus?" Lamb Chops says, puzzled. "Ryan... what... what happened to us?! Where are we?! Why do I look like a dominatrix?! Why aren't you a cracker anymore?!"

"Well duh, Chop," Ryan states, "I _am_ part Indian. Guess my dad's genes kicked in. 'Bout time, yo. But... wait a minute..."

Both of them gasp loudly as an influx of new memories penetrate both of their minds. And... they remember!

"We're two years in the future, Ryan! We... I remember! The Roast took place, and we had to battle Mandy Moore! I... I wiped her mind... and became LAMBSLAUGHT! Then I... I joined the X-Men, and became their leader, and Phoenix helped rid me of the evil Mandy influence in my mind! And now...!"

"I remember too! I... I helped fight Mandy Moore... and I had a drunken night of passion with Marrow... I declared war on Britney Spears, and had a brutal battle with that dirty ho and I destroyed her symbiotic implants and killed her... then, I went home, and forgot everything... and then, there was this guy I was in love with, I was ALL up in his grill..."

Lamb Chop's eyes widen and she turns sharply to look at the man with his hand up her ass. "You WHAT?"

"Oh please, like you didn't know. You're a telepath," Ryan says matter-of-factly. "Damn, two years... so much has happened!"

"No shit," Lamb Chop says with a sigh. "I mean, I'm leading the X-Men, and now all of a sudden you're a ghettlicious homo prairie ni-"

"Hey, WATCH IT!" Ryan says in a lecturing tone.

Suddenly, Lamb Chop feels a burning sensation in her mind, and cries out in pain. "AAAAHHHH!"

"CHOP?! Speak to me, girlfriend!" Ryan cries out, petting the small creature of wool on the head. "What is it?!"

Lamb Chop breaths heavily for a minute, then manages to say, "We must return to the mansion and gather the X-Men! She's back, Ryan... Mandy Moore is BACK! And this time... she's got FRIENDS!"

* * * * *

Next: It's the X-Men vs. Mandy Moore and Hoes Of The Apocalypse!


	5. Lazarus Hoes

**Summary:** I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.

**Notes:** More crazyness! I put together a strange team of X-Men for Lamb Chop to lead: Jubilee, who's just too cool to leave out; Iceman, who really doesn't want to be here; the resurrected, brain-eating zombie Colossus; the acid-barfing hootchie Angel; and last but not least, the barely-understandable mutant Skrull called Fiz! What a team, huh?

**Cast:** Me, Lamb Chop, Mandy Moore, Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, Fiz, and surprise villains!

**Disclaimer:** Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, and Fiz are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. I am property of myself, and Mandy Moore is property of the evil music company that creates her awful music. I'll admit she's not as big of a ho as she was back in the day, but still. AARRGGHH.

* * * * *

"Lazarus Hoes"

* * * * *

Lamb Chop, her partner Ryan, and her team of X-Men are flying in the Bigbird Jet to Orlando, Florida, the breeding ground of hoes! Mandy Moore has returned, and only this team can stop the resurrected hussy and her assemblage of teen idols!

"Okay people, remember," Lamb Chop says, "you do whatever you have to do to destroy Mandy Moore! She MUST die at ALL COSTS, because if she doesn't, the world will be consumed by whoredom, and we'll all be mindlessly chanting along to 'Candy'!"

"And if you can kill some boy bands like 'N Sync in the process, all the better," Ryan adds with a nod.

"Hey, who made you deputy leader?" Iceman says with a sneer. He doesn't want to be here. These people make him want to commit suicide.

"Bite me!"

Iceman opens his mouth to reply and decides he'd better not.

"Yo, Chops, I gots this, no doubt!" Angel boasts, snapping her fingers and swinging her head around. "Them cracka hoes is goin' DOWN. I can't stand no white people."

"Damn right," Jubilee replies.

"Hey, I'm white!" Iceman says, offended. "And so's Pete, right, dude?"

"White hoes no have BRAINS," is the only response Colossus offers, and Iceman shakes his head in defeat.

"Okie, so we a DEATHS the HOES for farming, la?" Fiz inquires in his confusing and often indecipherable take on the English language.

Lamb Chop sighs. "Yes, Fiz, we a DEATHS the hoes." Only she, with her telepathic mind, can understand the alien.

Minutes later, the Bigbird lands at Universal Studios, and the team gets off the plane and heads towards the big silver dome thing! Once inside, the team sees her on the stage, in all her glory, with tattered mummy wraps covering her wrists and ankles. They let out a collective gasp and stare in horror and awe at the beast before them.

"Welcome, my little candies!" Mandy shrieks. "EEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!"

"Sweet Lesbian Jesus, that SQUEAL!" Ryan cries.

"Would you like to taste my candy?" Mandy asks maliciously.

"Heffa, the only thing YOU gon' be tastin' is da ground after I STOMP YO' ASS into it!" Angel's wings start to flutter furiously and the short, chunky mutant flies towards Mandy as the rest of the team follows close behind her.

"EEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!" Mandy screeches as a cloud of white dust suddenly springs forth from her hands.

"AAAHHHH!! IT'S ANTHRAX!!" Lamb Chop shouts in horror, and she tries with all her might to dust it off her.

"It's not Anthrax, it's PIXIE HO DUST!" Iceman throws himself at Mandy, only to be slapped across the face and sent flying in the air dozens of feet away.

"Okie pal you a SUCK so Fiz a make you a FIZZLE and SCREECH like a MELTING SPOT, haha!" Fiz says angrily. He makes his body grow larger and tries to corner Mandy as Angel and Jubilee back him up.

"Pixie Ho Dust? What the fuck is he talking about?" Lamb Chop says, puzzled.

"It's not Pixie Ho Dust, there is no such thing. It's... SWEET 'N' LOW!" Ryan exclaims, and Lamb Chop's eyes widen in horror.

"YOU WHORE!" With that said, Lamb Chop lashes out at Mandy with the full power of her mind, and at the demon ho's moment of weakness, the team of X-Men move in for the kill! Within minutes, the teenybopper that won't die is lying on the ground, unconscious, and Lamb Chop and Ryan regroup with the X-Men near her fallen form.

"Well, that was easy," Jubilee comments, letting out a sigh of a relief. "Easier than a half-cent ho, in fact. A little too easy, though."

"I thought you said she had 'friends', though, Chop?" Ryan inquires. "Where are the others?"

"RIGHT HERE!"

The team turns around to see four hoes floating in the air with Iceman in their slutty grips! The team is mortified beyond anything they've ever felt before as they recognize each of the faces of the hoes before them!

"Mandy Moore was WEAK," says the blonde at the head of the group, "she was going alternative and stuff and not doing dance sequences like she should have been! She will, like, DIE! But us... we are the true Hoes Of The Apocalypse!"

"Now ain't that a bitch," Angel mutters, crossing her arms. "Damn crackas."

"Cool your jets, Angel," Lamb Chop orders. "You whores think you're going to take over the world? Not a chance. We're going to end your reign of terror here and now, once and for all!"

"HA! I, like, DON'T think so! I am WILLA FORD, and I am the ultimate ho! Christina... Jessica... and BRITNEY..."

Ryan is still in shock, as he killed Britney... but if Mandy can come back, he figures so can Britney.

Willa's colligen-filled lips curl into a wet, pouty smile as she cackles, "DESTROY THEM ALL!!!"

* * * * *

Next: The war with the Hoes Of The Apocalypse concludes, and it's shocking!


	6. Showdown

**Summary:** I shamelessly insert myself into this tale and team up with the fabulous Lamb Chop, taking us both on adventures in preparing for the fabled Marvel-X Roast. Featuring appearances by Jubilee, and the villainy of Mandy Moore! Rated PG-13 for crude humor.

**Notes:** Well this is it, chilluns... the end of the Marvel-X Roast saga!!! Fear not, there will be more adventures with Lamb Chop and her X-Men in a new ongoing series tentatively titled _Lamb Chops X_. If anyone has any other suggestions, let me know! You can drop me a line in the feedback thingy ^_^ Speaking of feedback, thanks to Raven Wings, fuzzyblue, Bunny, and Coffee for the kind words... I appreciate it. And now... the final battle with the Hoes Of Apocalypse!!!

**Cast:** Me, Lamb Chop, Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, Fiz, Britney Spears, Willa Ford, Christina Aquilera, Jessica Simpson, and the... ULTRA HO!

**Disclaimer:** Jubilee, Iceman, Colossus, Angel, and Fiz are property of Marvel Comics, they ain't mine. Lamb Chop is property of... uhm... the Lewis family? I dunno. But she ain't mine either. I am property of myself, and Britney Spears, Willa Ford, Christina Aquilera, and Jessica Simpson are property of the evil music companies that create their awful music.

* * * * *

"S**ho**wdown"

* * * * *

And so it has come to this... the final battle with the self-proclaimed Hoes Of The Apocalypse! Minutes ago, Mandy Moore, who had strayed from her path as a ho, was struck down by her former colleagues, and now only four hoes remain - Britney Spears, lip syncher extraordinaire, enhanced by toxic silicone breast implants; Jessica Simpson, imbued with one of the most monstruously widest mouths of all time with deadly vocal cords to go along with it; Christina Aguilera, the human embodiment of anorexia and genetically enhanced with rat DNA; and last but not least, Willa Ford, the newest but most slutastic ho, able to spread her legs wider than any woman and 'wax' hundreds of 'candles' at once.

They are a disease. They are evil. They must be destroyed.

Here to do the job is the most unlikely pack of heroes ever! They are the X-Men, under the command of the telepathic mutant puppet called Lamb Chop, and they include Ryan a.k.a. PX, a human with an affinity for all things phallic and Lamb Chop's host; Iceman, who controls the element of cold, and doesn't really want to be here; Jubilee, detonator of sub-atomic matter who's just too cool for words; Colossus, or rather his resurrected metal corpse, who now craves brains; Angel, straight out the ghetto, who can vomit and fly and hates white people; and Fiz, a half-wit mutant Skrull who speaks his own dialect of the English language.

They are humanity's last hope against the horde of demon hoes that will ravage the Earth if the Hoes Of The Apocalypse are not destroyed! So now, here they stand, ready to battle to the deaths, inside the round silver dome thingy at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, which has been the breeding ground of hoes for decades.

"Mwhohohoho!" Willa cackles through her colligen-filled lips, "Now it's, like, time for us to beat you down!"

"Don't... you... mean... beat us... _off_...?" Iceman taunts from the prison that is Britney's cleavage. "You're... not gonna... win!"

"Shut UPPA!" Britney commands, squeezing her sisters tighter around Iceman's head.

"Let him go, you slut!" Lamb Chop orders, grimacing at the whores. "You're all going down! X-Men, attack!"

Instantly, Lamb Chop's X-Men head off into battle, attacking the hoes with all their might. Angel goes for Christina, buzzing around the skeleton girl while building up a good amount of vomit in her mouth. "Shoo fly, don't bother me!" Christina screeches, but Angel does not back off. Instead, she lets loose with her powers and in seconds, Christina is covered in green acid puke, screaming.

"Oh nooooo!" Christina says as her human skin melts off. "I'm turning into IT!"

As Christina continues to howl, Colossus goes for Jessica, who opens up her big mouth even wide. "Bloooow meeee, hoooo," Colossus says angrily before punching that whore square in the jaw. "No brains! Colossus SMASH!"

While Colossus continues to pound that ass to the ground, Jubilee goes for Willa, ready to stomp some hobag ass. "Alright, bitch, time to FRY!" With that said, Jubilee unloads her fireworks on the big-haired hartlot, detonating sub-atomic matter all around the whore and totally disorienting her. "You had the upper hand last time, Ford, but this time I'm gonna blow your ass away!"

"Mmmm," Willa says, stumbling back to her feet, "you knew I'm a part-time lesbian... come to me... sexy..."

"Ki-ya!" Jubilee shouts, delivering a roundhouse kick to the weakened ho. In an instant, Willa falls to the ground, unconscious. Before turning her attention to Britney, Jubilee ponders to herself that this whole fight has been too easy so far.

"Stand back, or he'll be putty between my breasts!" Britney screeches, still holding Iceman prisoner within her cleavage. Lamb Chop, Ryan, Fiz, and now Jubilee approach the skanky ho, surrounding her on all sides. "LIKE, GET, UH, LIKE, BACK! BACK IT UP! BACK THAT THANG UP! YEAH!"

"Enough of this," Lamb Chop declares. The X-Men's leader reaches into Britney's hollow mind and turns one of its very few cranks, effectively shutting down the ho's mind. As Britney slumps to the ground, Iceman is released from the clutches of her implants, coughing and weezing in an effort to catch his breath.

"Chops!" Ryan exclaims, glaring at the fallen Britney with wide eyes, "she went down so easily!"

"Well duh, she's a ho," Lamb Chop replies. "But you're right... this whole fight has been too easy." Lamb Chop looks around as Colossus and Angel rejoin their group. Jessica's been pummelled to death... Willa's a goner... and now Britney has fallen to a simple psi-attack. There only remains...

"SCREEEEEETCH!" comes the sound of the missing ho. All heads turn to see the new form of Christina... a large rat with stringy blonde hair!

"Holy fucking shit!" Ryan says. "She really IS a rat! A talentless, anorexic rat..."

"Alright, X-Men - CUT THE CHEESE!"

As if on cue, the X-Men do as they're told; Jubilee lets loose with a barrage of energy blasts, Iceman shoots forth shards of ice, and Angel tops it all off with a barrage of acid vomit, while Fiz and Colossus standby for their attacks. However, Christina too falls easily; her rat form literally explodes, sending blood and guts everywhere, but luckily Iceman gets an icedome up just in time to protect his teammates.

Minutes later, after the ho dust has settled...

"Well..." Lamb Chop begins, flabbergasted. "That was... way too easy. They've never been beaten so quickly before! What's going on?"

"GOODS not baked but QUESTIONS, pal!" Fiz chimes in, only adding more to the confusion.

"Damn, dem heffas was mo' easy den usual," Angel says. "Why do I gots a feelin' dis ain't ovah...?"

"BECAUSE IT'S NOT," comes a loud, shrill voice booming throughout the auditorium. The X-Men look around, terrified, their fears that this is not over confirmed.

"Who's there?" Lamb Chop demands. "Show yourself."

Suddenly, in front of the X-Men, a strange energy becomes visible. It's malleable and glows in bright colors, and as the heroes study it, it begins to shape itself into something... into... someone?

"Oh... my... GOD..." Jubilee gasps, now literally frozen in place as the energy takes its form.

"FUCKING LESBIAN JESUS!" Ryan cries, and all the other X-Men proceed to huddle around him and Lamb Chop. "Everybody... RUN!!!!!"

"YOU CAN'T RUN FROM ME," the energy says in a bad Long Island accent, "I AM EVERYWHERE! MWAWHAWHAWHAW!"

"X-Men... we must fight...!"

"Lamb Chop... how can we fight the mother of all hoes... the Ultra Ho... BARBARA STREISAND?!?!?!"

"WAIT!" Ryan suddenly says, a light bulb flickering on in his head. "Chops..."

"Oh... oh no... Ryan... you don't have to do this!" Lamb Chop says to her longtime partner, knowing exactly what he's planning thanks to their telepathic bond. "We'll find another way...!"

"We won't, you know it just like me," Ryan says sorrowfully, planting a kiss on Lamb Chop's forehead. He lifts the woman of wool and cotton off his hand and passes her to Iceman. "Put her on, now, she can't be without a host for more than a few seconds!"

Iceman immediately obliges and slips Lamb Chop over his hand. "Brrrrrr!" Lamb Chop says, shivering. "If I had nipples, they'd be rock-hard right now!"

"What's going on?" Jubilee asks, giving Ryan a puzzled look. "What are you doing?"

"Streisand's greatest weakness is gay dudes," Ryan informs, "and that's me. She'll take me as her host but it'll weaken her... and that's when you all have to destroy her! Attack her with everything you have!"

"But then you'll be destroyed too!" Jubilee says as a tear slides down her cheek. "Oh, Pookie Bear!"

"Shortcake!" Ryan says, embracing his best girlfriend. "Don't worry, we can still do our nails in your dreams!"

Ryan says his goodbyes to everybody on the team, then walks towards Streisand, still linked with Lamb Chop. "AH, YOU WANT TO BE FIRST?" Streisand cackles. "OKAY THEN!"

"Wait!" Ryan says, holding his hands up and signalling for Streisand to stop. "I have a proposition for you. I want you to take me as your host... and let them go."

"OKAY," Streisand says with a chuckle, unaware of the X-Men's plan. The energy of the Ultra Ho engulfs Ryan, and within seconds, he stands possessed. His body turns to face the X-Men, who stare in horror at what's just transpired. "MWAWHAWHAWHAW! LIKE I'D REALLY LET YOU PRETTIES GO!"

"NOW!" Lamb Chop shouts suddenly, pointing at Streisand. The X-Men and their leader unleash the full potential of their powers, barraging the weakening Streisand with psychic shocks, ice shards, energy blasts, vomit, brute strength, and nonsensible English. After a few minutes, Streisand drops to her knees, unable to stand any longer.

"YOU... TRICKED ME!" Streisand yells angrily. "HE'S GAY! THAT'S MY WEAKNESS! YOU'LL... ALL... BE..."

"Fuck off, skank," are Jubilee's last words before she uses her powers to detonate the possessed body of her friend. The explosion is small at first, but Lamb Chop quickly realizes that the Streisand energy will destroy all of Orlando!

"QUICKLY! To the Bigbird, NOW!" Lamb Chop commands, and with that, she takes control of Iceman's powers and uses them to take her team all the way to their aircraft. "Get in!" Lamb Chop commands again, and her team wastes no time in shuffling onboard. The Bigbird's hatch seals up and the plane takes off just in time as a massive shockwave of ho energy expands outward from Universal Studios and engulfs not just all of Orlando, but all of Florida.

"Oh well, no big loss," Lamb Chop says with a sigh of relief as she and her watch Florida go bah-boom. "But Ryan... sweet lesbian Jesus..."

"He sacrificed himself to rid the world of hoes," Jubilee says sadly. "What a guy."

"YAY pal, GUY not a PIERCED from a JELLIES BUTTON falls off OOPS oh my a TWEETS song not a BIRD like a FLY somewhat ANGEL, la?" Fiz adds in, and everybody just nods as if in agreement. No one's in the mood to get on his case about his English.

"Goodbye, my friend," Lamb Chop says with a sniffle, "you'll always be remembered!"

* * * * *

_In loving memory of... me! Heh. Like I said, the tentatively-titled Lamb Chops X is coming soon, so stayed tuned!_


End file.
